It’s important to acknowledge that every couple experiences conflict in their relationship. Conflict itself is not necessarily negative, as it’s a natural and normal aspect of any relationship. However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship, it’s crucial to identify the sources of conflict and find constructive ways to resolve them.
Sources of common conflict
Sources of conflict can differ from couple to couple and may even change over time within the same relationship. For example, a couple may face different challenges while dating compared to those they encounter many years into their marriage.
The primary types of conflict in relationships are disappointments, disagreements over important issues, and cumulative annoyances.
Some common sources of conflict within these categories include:
- money (spending, saving, managing, and sharing)
- decisions regarding children (whether to have them and how to raise and discipline them)
- intimacy (frequency and issues related to extramarital affairs)
- jealousy and intimidation related to past relationships
- differences in opinion and boundaries with in-laws
- sharing responsibilities related to household chores and tasks
- disagreements regarding how much time to spend together
- communication styles and misunderstandings, and
- unrealistic expectations of the other person
Resolving conflict with your partner
Different individuals have their unique ways of expressing their hurt and frustrations, and their expressions can vary based on the person they are in conflict with. Some people can react aggressively, while others may avoid, deny, suppress, or postpone facing conflict. Some individuals may become overly accommodating, disregarding their own best interests, in an attempt to please the other person. Recognizing your partner’s response and understanding where it’s coming from is crucial when dealing with conflict in your relationship.
Here are some healthy and constructive ways to resolve conflict with your partner:
1. Pick your battles
Knowing when to choose your battles is vital. However, once you determine that there is an issue, be willing to talk about it
2. Take a break when necessary
Stopping the escalation of conflict by taking a moment or more to calm down and collect yourself can be highly effective. It will allow for a less emotional and more productive conversation.
3. Identify the root cause of the problem
Conflict arises when needs are not being met. Focus on finding and staying on topic with the root cause of the conflict, rather than getting distracted by surface issues. For instance, the dirty dishes in the sink may not be the primary issue but rather the feeling that your partner is not supportive and helpful in taking care of the home together. Be direct and talk about what’s genuinely bothering you instead of solely focusing on superficial examples.
4. Listen first
Good listening is critical in conflict resolution. It involves not only listening with your ears but also with your body language. Active listening includes acknowledging what your partner is expressing, and asking clarifying questions as needed. Helping the other person feel heard can resolve much of the conflict.
Furthermore, it is essential to understand your and your partner’s love languages to communicate better with each other, considering different people have different communication styles.
5. Use positive body language and physical gestures
More than half of our communication is nonverbal, and the body language you use during an argument accounts for approximately 55% of the message your partner is receiving. Communication with a compassionate and collaborative tone is much more helpful than using a competitive and aggressive tone.
6. Take accountability for your actions and feelings
It’s not worth playing the blame game and focusing on all that your partner has done wrong. Focus on your role in the conflict and what you can do to address it. Be sincere and honest in your interactions, and avoid apologizing for something you don’t understand just to make the issue go away. When you agree to make a change, follow through with it.
7. Discuss behavior, not character
Criticizing and finger-pointing are more likely to exacerbate the conflict than facilitate a productive discussion. Focusing on the behavior or action that caused the conflict rather than attacking your partner’s character is more productive.
8. Use humor when appropriate
A little lighthearted humor at the right moment can diffuse tension and lead to a more productive conversation.
9. Compromise is a win, not defeat
In relationships, there are no winning or losing sides. Both partners win when they reach a compromise, and they both lose when they do not.
10. Agree to disagree
It is unlikely that you and your partner will agree on everything all the time. Sometimes it is best to “agree to disagree” and move on. However, for important issues, the inability to reach an agreement may indicate incompatibility. The key is to understand which issues are critical to you and which are not.
